I am a mess right now.
My anxiety is through the roof. I've had multiple panic attacks in the last 24 hours. I can feel that there might be another one just around the corner.
Have you ever been able to feel your anxiety in your body? I carry mine in my chest. And I feel like a goldfish being toyed with by a toddler. Gasping for breath. Uncertain of when the next hurricane of unrest is going to hit. Watched and unable to escape.
I tried awfully hard to put on a stoic face. An excited-for-this-adventure face. But I believe in being honest. And right now, I feel about 2 minutes and 1 crisis away from a meltdown.
You know the kind, where you ugly cry in your car or a bathroom stall. Where you inhale 2 lbs of chocolate and cheetos. Where everything feels like it can't be done or isn't worth doing. That feeling of your world collapsing into tiny, faceless jigsaw pieces. That moment you feel abandoned by everyone and everything.
I feel like we don't talk about this enough. I feel like there is such a huge taboo on being able to say, "I am falling apart. I am dealing with anxiety. I need to take a minute. And that is OK. It doesn't make me weak or less than."
And that is why I am talking about it. Usually, I can keep my anxiety pretty under control. Yoga and meditation really help. But right now, I don't have it under control. And I am asking for help. I had my best friends take me out for dinner and a pedicure last night. My brother and I watched episodes of Psych, laughed and attempted to make friendship bracelets. (Totally therapeutic guys. Try it.) I meditated until I could stop my mind chatter for just a moment. (It took forever. My mind is a freaking chatterbox hyped up on 5 cones of cotton candy right now.)
I am doing my best. I am taking breaks from my desk, going on walks, drinking coconut water, taking deep breaths, talking with friends and I am seeing my mom for lunch today.
I know it will all be A-OK. I know that I just need to let it go, do my best and trust in the moment. I am trying. I just feel like everything is spinning a little too fast, a little too out of control. My husband finally returns from being out in the field with the military today. I haven't seen him in a few days. He always helps me.
I leave in 3 days. And that is really freaking me out right now. it will all be worth it. I'll be so very happy I went. I am excited. I am not really afraid about going. I'm not anxious about what happens once we get on the plane. All of my anxiety stems from all that I have to do before I leave. Its time to prioritize. To recognize what isn't going to happen and be ok with that.
But, I leave in 3 days. I had less anxiety about getting married.
I'll be fine. I'm leaving whether I finish it all or not. I'll be on that plane no matter what. So, I'll just take a deep breath. I won't let anxiety win.
Thanks for listening guys.