Friday, August 31, 2012

Hello Again World, I'm Back and More Honest than Ever

You think I fell off the face of the planet, didn't you? Don't worry. So did I.

But I didn't. I just finally, FINALLY, had my husband back. And then I was thrown into a new town, a new job, a new house... a new dog (Yay for dogs!) and just... newness. Sometimes I like change. Sometimes I don't. But, to be honest, that was waaaaaaay to much change at once for me.That and I really wanted time to focus on my husband. So now we are back for round...(What number is this again?)

Let's be honest, I've restarted and restarted over and over and over again. And I'm ok with that. Really. Life is life. Lemons, watermelons, grapes, apples, tomatoes and all. And every time we turn around something new is being thrown in our face.

For instance, last time I checked in I had just moved to Monterey CA. Psych! I'm living in Utah again. Stephen's orders changed, and we're back in time for him to start school, me to start school (and work full time). And just in time to miss the nice, warm, care-free weather of Summer. (Stupid Monterey was always cold and cloudy.)

But I guess the big new is.... WE'RE BACK!

And I am back to blogging. Blogging cause it makes me happy. And blogging because I want everyone else to know how wonderful it is to be hopelessly flawed, helplessly romantic and a horrible cook. Perfection is sought after everywhere. And I want other people to know (just like I wish I had known) how ok it is to just... be ok. You don't have to cook gourmet meals, knit/crochet/do crafts, wear adorable outfits or have a wonderful, fast paced life. You can be you. And if that means hot dogs for dinner two nights in one week, than go for it! If that means you've restarted your exercise goals fifteen billion times, than at least you've restarted. And if you're in a slump, its ok. I still love you. God still loves you. You are still wonderful.

Everyone knows how many different types, times and ways I have tried to exercise. You probably know I tried doing a thrift-store fashion blog (don't laugh, I really tried. I might even try again... Ok, laugh if you want too). I even tried to do fancy cooking for a week. But it never worked out. Call me fickle. Or... something else. Oftentimes, I get frustrated. I get bored. I get mad that I can't do it perfectly or like everyone else does it and I fling it aside. But I'm trying to figure everything out, just like the rest of the world. I just want to be honest about it.

Ready for honesty? I have depression. I have been fighting it for years. Sometimes, I have really, really, really bad days(or weeks). Days my sweet, patient husband has to coax me out of bed and prove to me that the world isn't such a bad place. And I have good days. Days where I am perfectly convinced that unicorns ARE real, and fairies are everywhere. Some times, I just want to drown out the world with endless episodes of Friends. And other times I want to embrace the world for being so darn awesome.

Don't worry, I've seen and continue to see a therapist. I've tried different medications. It's part of who I am right now. I am not ashamed. This is my battle, and sometimes it is uphill. But I have accepted that this is one of the beautiful challenges that Heavenly Father is certain I can handle (sometimes I worry He has too much faith in me.) I have been given so many allies and loved ones who cheer from the sidelines. I have the great blessing of being married to a man who loves me no matter what. And every day I have the chance to start over. To forget the things in the past, and make today awesome. Perfection is unattainable. But laughter, love, service and restarts are always within your reach.

To anyone else who struggles, who thinks you are are alone and no one understands. To those who feel like I do sometimes, that life can't go on. That you will never succeed. That your dreams will never become a reality, please know how much you are loved. I know how hard it is to force your way out of the dark cave of your own uncertainty and unhappiness. And some days it's too much to take and becoming a recluse is the only option. No matter what, there is someone near you who loves you. Both in this life and the next. If there is one thing I have learned it is that I am never a lone. And if there is one thing you can take from this please, remember that it is ok to just be ok. It is ok to not always be "ok". You don't have to be perfect, or happy all the time. You can take things at your pace. Your hardest critic is yourself. Cut yourself some slack. Give yourself the gift of today.  I can't guarantee that everything will be alright. I have days all the time where it is not alright. But you can make it. I can make it. We just have to band together.