So, do you remember how I said that I almost beat my depression and eating disorder? Well, it is an almost.
I didn't post yesterday because depression reared it's ugly head and we had a battle. All. Day. Long. It was ugly. I came out on top. I really did. But it wasn't fun. Don't worry, I'm good. I don't write this to get sympathy. I write this to be honest.
Guys, depression sucks. Having an eating disorder blows.The worse part is, neither of them make sense! Ask anyone with depression and they can tell you, "I know this isn't logical. I know I should be able to just choose to be happy. But I can't. Trust me, I would if I could." At least that is how I feel.
I know that it doesn't make sense to want to crawl under my desk and bawl my eyes out. It just doesn't. It doesn't make sense to starve myself, just to end up binging later. I get it. It isn't logical. And when you are trying to help someone who suffers from either monster, please recognize that. We know it doesn't make sense. But we can't help how we feel. What we need is love, acceptance and understanding.
I spent all day yesterday telling myself how ridiculous it all was. But the truth was, I was sad, listless and wanted nothing more than to crawl in bed and sleep. All day. For the rest of my life. Just sleep.
I know I've been tired lately. And the more tired I get the easier the depression monster has in getting out of his cage. And I know I've been stressed to the max lately. (It is getting out of hand.) And that makes depression even harder to fight. And after my day yesterday I realized that I need to make some changes.
I don't want to spend every day frantic and stressed and tired. That is no way to live a life. Even if you are in your last semester ever. I want my husband to have a happy wife. I want to be a happy person. I need to do some stress management. I realized that I need to approach this all differently.
School is not life or death. I need to get it done. I want to do my best. But I won't let it steal my joy. I won't let it steal my peace. I will find a way to make this happen without stressing to the moon and back.
I've been really frustrated because I had to stop running. I got some nasty shinsplints from pushing to hard and I have been out of the game for a week. It's killing me. I need something to relieve stress, and running was my "breathing" time. So instead, I am doing yoga. Tonight. I can't wait. That is a step in the right direction!
This week Matthew 9:13 "And if the house be worthy, let your peace come upon it: but if it be not worthy, let your peace return to you." Really sparked something for me. I have a choice. I can choose to let my peace go. I can decide if it is worthy, or worth it, to let my peace of mind and body be a part of anything. I choose whether or not I let something steal my peace!
Isn't it wonderful learning that you have some control. Sure I have a boatload of stuff to get done. Sure depression and an eating disorder try to slow me down. But I can choose how I am going to approach each problem. I've got this.
My peace is my own. I won't give it up! So now I have to learn how to do some stress management. I have to learn how to be the master of my own peace, and have the strength to let God into my heart and life because that is where true peace lies. Always.
So, what are your suggestions? What do you do when you need to take back your peace?
(Linking up with Loved and Lovely *Thankful Thursdays* It's Almost Friday Thursday Blog Hop, Black Tag Diaries, First Day Of My Life, Kate Says Stuff, Pretty Little Inspirations Blog Hop and Lovely Little Whimsy.)