Well, I'm stumped. I've been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching and staring at things in a daze. I want a .... something. I want a career, a passion. I want to make my passion a career.
Problem: I have a ton of passions. Let's list just a few, shall we?
Watching TV (Yes this is passion, ok?)
Listening to stories.
But here is what I have realized in compiling that list.
The thing I love more than anything, my driving passion, why I majored in History, why I read voraciously is... stories. I LOVE stories. I wrote this post on stories and why I love them so much. But... what do I do? I think I am afraid to write. Which is sad, but true. I want to write, I really do. But I worry that I will never be able to make any career out of that. (not that I need a career to write. I just... I want one. I want my words to be recognized and read and loved. I want to touch someone as I have been touched. I want to give people an escape, just as I have escaped into my favorite book when Life gets too rough. Is this a selfish desire? I don't know...)
And then I ask myself, do I want a career? I know that I want to do something with my life along with being a mother.
I also know that what I really want is to be a mother. It is important to me, it is a big part of my upbringing, but also a part of me. When I look at my youngest sister, whom I have helped raise and care for since she was born, I feel so much love. Such a fierce, beautiful, painful, all consuming love. And I know that having my own children will create an even deeper love. And I want that. I love the feel of her small hand in mine. I love that when she broke her arm, she asked for me to go with her to the scary doctor. I love how some part of me feels more complete when I hold her. And when I see how much she has grown, when I watch her be a grown up kid and not my baby, my heart hurts in a good way. I want that. I want that for my whole life. I want the joy, frustration, love, pain, laughter, tears, long nights and happy memories of motherhood.
I also want more. But my upbringing and culture all says I should be happy with motherhood. And I know I will be.
But I want more.
How do people do this? My future is firmly planted in motherhood. So when I look ahead at any kind of career path, I automatically begin to factor in things like, "Can I do this from home? Will it have flexible hours? How will I make it work? Will I have enough time for my kids and home and husband?"
How do you people do it?!
I know I am not the only young woman who looks at her future and wants to pull her hair out. I talk to friends and we all look at our future in absolute confusion. Different desires pulling us in different directions.
My biggest question right this very second is, "What do I do, RIGHT NOW?!" I am in a rather dead end job. I am one tiny step away from having a degree, that I have no clue what to do with, and now is not the time for us to start a family. Do I want to be a hair stylist? Yoga instructor? Teacher? I know, I know, that I want to be a writer. But, as my husband pointed out, I can write while doing other things. Do I want to do other things? I have to work. Right now, I am our main provider while my husband finishes school. I have to work. But I don't want to just... work. I want to enjoy what I do.
I do not enjoy being a receptionist. So.... I'm stuck.
What do y'all think? Anyone in the same boat? Anyone know where I am coming from? Or am I a little crazy? Advice? Anyone...?