Thursday, February 7, 2013


Remember when I wrote about this post

Well, I'm stumped. I've been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching and staring at things in a daze. I want a .... something. I want a career, a passion. I want to make my passion a career.

Problem: I have a ton of passions. Let's list just a few, shall we?
Being Outdoors
Helping others
Watching TV (Yes this is passion, ok?)
Listening to stories.

But here is what I have realized in compiling that list.

The thing I love more than anything, my driving passion, why I majored in History, why I read voraciously is... stories. I LOVE stories. I wrote this post on stories and why I love them so much. But... what do I do? I think I am afraid to write. Which is sad, but true. I want to write, I really do. But I worry that I will never be able to make any career out of that. (not that I need a career to write. I just... I want one. I want my words to be recognized and read and loved. I want to touch someone as I have been touched. I want to give people an escape, just as I have escaped into my favorite book when Life gets too rough. Is this a selfish desire? I don't know...) 

And then I ask myself, do I want a career? I know that I want to do something with my life along with being a mother. 

I also know that what I really want is to be a mother. It is important to me, it is a big part of my upbringing, but also a part of me. When I look at my youngest sister, whom I have helped raise and care for since she was born, I feel so much love. Such a fierce, beautiful, painful, all consuming love. And I know that having my own children will create an even deeper love. And I want that. I love the feel of her small hand in mine. I love that when she broke her arm, she asked for me to go with her to the scary doctor. I love how some part of me feels more complete when I hold her. And when I see how much she has grown, when I watch her be a grown up kid and not my baby, my heart hurts in a good way. I want that. I want that for my whole life. I want the joy, frustration, love, pain, laughter, tears, long nights and happy memories of motherhood.

I also want more. But my upbringing and culture all says I should be happy with motherhood. And I know I will be. 

But I want more.

How do people do this? My future is firmly planted in motherhood. So when I look ahead at any kind of career path, I automatically begin to factor in things like, "Can I do this from home? Will it have flexible hours? How will I make it work? Will I have enough time for my kids and home and husband?"

How do you people do it?!
I know I am not the only young woman who looks at her future and wants to pull her hair out. I talk to friends and we all look at our future in absolute confusion. Different desires pulling us in different directions.

My biggest question right this very second is, "What do I do, RIGHT NOW?!" I am in a rather dead end job. I am one tiny step away from having a degree, that I have no clue what to do with, and now is not the time for us to start a family.  Do I want to be a hair stylist? Yoga instructor? Teacher? I know, I know, that I want to be a writer. But, as my husband pointed out, I can write while doing other things. Do I want to do other things? I have to work. Right now, I am our main provider while my husband finishes school. I have to work. But I don't want to just... work. I want to enjoy what I do.

I do not enjoy being a receptionist. So.... I'm stuck. 

What do y'all think? Anyone in the same boat? Anyone know where I am coming from? Or am I a little crazy? Advice? Anyone...?


  1. I am often torn between wanting to be at home with my babes and wanting to establish a career...or finish my degree. I want so much. SO MUCH. And then I take a step back and realize that am exactly where I need to be. Life happened and I ran with it. We've all been there with the dead end job or the idiot boss or impossible coworkers (or all at once...yipe!). You're an intelligent woman with a lot to offer the world. I'm sure you'll figure it out. Pray about it. Follow your heart.

    P.S. You NEEEED to turn of captcha for comments....I become involuntarily enraged at the mere sigh of it....

  2. I'm so sorry you feel this way; uncertain of what to do; it happens when you leave the high school scene and carries on for the rest of your life. Just the way life goes but the good news is you do have so many options and while that is frustrating, it can be a blessing as well!
    First of all, you are a writer Jeannie! Right here and now you wrote an amazing post (as well as other amazing posts you have written) that has touched many hearts. Just because it isn't published doesn't mean you aren't writing right now *of course you can always get this blog published if you ever want to.
    Secondly, while I'd love to give you advice on what to do, this is something you will have to decide for yourself, but I'm fully confident you will choose what's best for you. I'm thrilled that you do have a desire to be a mother and whether it's time right now or later doesn't really matter-you do what works for you. I know it's hard when you're working a job you don't really like but you're not alone. Countless post-graduates have the same situation as you; they thought after graduation that dream job would come right away but the truth of the matter is life doesn't work out that way. You may have to settle for a not so pleasant job or two before that dream job comes along just to pay the bills.
    I know that whatever happens, you will always be the strong Jeannie you have been. You will figure this out; so hang in there until then.
    Life is truly wonderful and you are at a stage where you have an amazing husband by your side and you can do whatever your heart desires; so fear no more and do what's best for you!