But then my phone took a suicide jump into the toilet. It was devastating. I'm not sure what drove it to such drastic measures... The constant texting, instagraming, facebooking, email checking and music listening might have been too much... I'm not sure. It's kind of nice though, being almost unreachable. Of course, I won't think this tomorrow when I desperately need to call someone.
I've got my phone on rice, I hope that helps...
Any way! Here are some photos I was able to salvage. I hope you like them:
Awesome Cinderella necklace: Gift
And that is all you get to see of what I wore today! However, here are some other pictures from this week that I was able to salvage.
|This is a low, braid wrapped bun. Super easy and pretty.|
|All ready for Autumn with my new awesome boots!|
Boots: Forever Young Shoes
Right now though, I want to talk some more about living for years with an eating disorder. I want to talk about how there is a path to high self-esteem and confidence and happiness.
I want to find that path. Sometimes I think I'm on it, and then I get distracted by something and get lost.
Example: Today my husband surprised me with some awesome shirts! (my wardrobe really needs updating...) I loved them. They were beautiful and wonderful and fantastic. And they were of a style that looks fantastic on those people born to be fearfully slender. You know the style nowadays: baggy shirts and sweaters (finally something incredibly comfy!) and leggings/skinny jeans.
It's hard to have a baggy shirt when you have "birthing hips" and a "bubble butt". Now, I know these things are beautiful. They really are. They are what define me as a WOMAN. (It needs to be in all caps, cause I am just that much woman). And I've been blessed with a tiny rib cage to help aid in the hour-glass figure.
But dagnabit! They can sure make shopping a pain in the you-know-what. My sweet husband brought home two shirts in size "small". He really is in love with me. They fit ok, but didn't look the way they were intended. So we went to exchange them for bigger sizes.
TRUTH: Dressing room mirrors were made by the devil. They were made to bring out the very worst in you. They always have the worst of lighting to ensure you have the biggest self-esteem drop in the history of the world.
I faced a dressing room mirror today, and I wanted to cry. As I went from wearing a small to a large, I wanted to dissolve into passionate tears of frustration. (It wasn't just the clothes guys. It was the whole phone-in-the-toilet-no-car-living-in-someone's-basement-mountains-of-homework bit too). When I opened the dressing room door, I forced a smile on my face. But I think Stephen could see me breaking inside.
He is wonderful that way. He looked at my fake smile, right into the softest part of my soul. The part that was slowly crumbling. The part that was desperately trying to repeat a list. The part that just wanted to feel loved and beautiful. He saw the fragility of my heart, and saved me.
He said to me (or at least this is what I heard. They could be wildly different things, "Jeannie, God made you the way you are. Accept that. Love that. You are beautiful. All of you. Right now. You will never change the way you essentially look. So love it. Love you. What is more beautiful than how you really look is how you carry yourself. Men notice confidence, not weight. But most of all, I love you just the way you are. Stop beating on the woman I love."
Do you see why I am head over heels in love with this man?!
So I did what I could. I took off the offending sweater and tried on something that really did look fabulous (and was deliciously soft and cuddly). I walked out of that dressing room with my head held high.
Part of me was still hurting inside. Part of me hurts now. But I fought it. I didn't fall off the edge. I held it together. Stephen held me together.
People, this is what we call progress! Love it!
It is so very ok to be hurt and unhappy. Those are human emotions. It is ok to stand on the verge of collapse. Hell sweetie, fall down if you need too. If you need a quiet moment at the bottom, than that's ok. Just make sure to listen to the voice inside that speaks the real truth. Listen to the voice of love.
Cause it's true. God made you just the way you are. Maybe through your own actions you have changed the way you are. You could be much to skinny. You could be unhealthy and need to drop the pounds to drop the blood pressure. But essentially, you are you.
God doesn't make mistakes. Trust me. No matter what shape you're in, how broken you are or if you're shattered to bits. You are you. And you can pull it together, one little piece at a time.
(Linking up over at thepleatedpoppy!)