Thursday, January 10, 2013

Because I Am

I need to write not only as a release, but to build in my life everything I have been looking for everywhere else. My world has been peopled with imaginary friends, villains and passersby for as long as I can remember. Romance has flowed like music through my thoughts since I was a child, sparked by my parents' love for each other. And that romantic side of myself was nurtured, and often over watered, with books and movies and love songs. And soon I thought that love could only come in that form. In the form of perfect lyrics and cinematic drama. With a grand force that left me with no choice but to surrender my heart and soul to my handsome, modern day prince.

But love came jarringly. With heartbreaks, abandonment, fear and quiet moments of revelation. I have moments that I can recall looking at the face of the man I loved, and loving the very particles of air that touched his skin. Of memorizing the lines in his face, the contours of his chest and the sound of his voice. But those moments were broken, shattered by the harsh realities of two separate lives, headed in directions that would not meld. In utter rejection. In finally seeing that the fairytale man that I had so sacredly given my heart too, was human. And couldn't love me then. And my love had not learned patience.

And so I learned to love the real in a man. The faults, the fears and the temper. The misunderstandings that will always fuel arguments and feeling shut out. And as I fell in love, I had to loosen my iron grip on a real life fairy tale for the beautiful, brutal reality that is marriage. The kisses, the love and the quiet moments blossom among the dirty dishes and unmatched socks. I've learned to find romance and love in my husband's act of paying bills.

And though I have had to let go of the idea of beautiful moments, complete with background music and sweeping panoramic views, I still have my romance. And I am still very much in love.

But some part of me wants the dramatic beauty that comes from a romance in the land of fairies. In a made up reality. And so I write. And though I may be feeding the fire of some other girl's need to step into real life and hang up the fairy wings, I think that this belief in true love, prince charming and romance gives us all hope. Because myth was based on fact. And the fact is, I love my husband more than any movie character has loved another because I have stood outside the door as he vomited loudly, ready to jump in and take care of him regardless of how disgusted I was. Because he has loved me in my foolish moments of temper tantrums and hurtful words.

I have my fairytale. And what I write is merely taking all that is in my heart and interpreting it in a new way. I couldn't tell you what really happens to create so much love in my life because that will remain forever as the infinite and sacred bond between the man of my dreams and my faulty self.

I love because I am. I am because I love. I write because I have learned love.

(Linking up with: It's Almost Friday Thursday Blog HopBlack Tag DiariesFirst Day Of My LifePretty Little InspirationsLink and MingleIt's Ok Thursday,)


  1. Beautifully said! True love is nothing compared to the fairy tales and romance novels *though they satisfy our dreams of how we wish things were ;) Truth of the matter is you won't always like the one you marry at that moment but that love will always remain and get you through those not so lovable moments!

  2. Writing is such a great way to release any deep emotions you may be having :)
    Sometimes when I'm not quite sure what my emotions mean or how to handle them, I just write down everything that's in my head!
    Beautiful post.

    New follower via the Thursday Blog Hop!