Frustrations in Guilt

Let's talk about yoga. And a new job. And feeling great.

For a week.

Let's talk about the one time in almost ten years I was eating without feeling any guilt.

For a week.

Let's talk about the perhaps kidney stone that is giving me grief.

Actually, let's not talk about any of that. No wait, we are going to talk about it. Just not the way you think we are.

Everything was going so well. Yoga was awesome. I was losing weight. I was happy. I was eating what I wanted, when I wanted. And I felt no guilt. Even when it was something completely fattening and unhealthy. I did not overeat or undereat. It was like a miracle. I haven't been that happy in.... what feels like forever. I was so excited. New job. New outlook on life. Happiness. Everything was not perfect, but it was the best it has been in I don't know how long.

And then the whole possible kidney stone, lots of pain, ickiness happened.

And I couldn't go to yoga. And since I was not working out I was suddenly assaulted with guilt over every bite. And depressed. And just watching a lot of TV after putting on a brave face for everyone at work all day. I hurt. (I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow). I am exhausted.

And I was so grumpy and mean and frustrated. I couldn't figure it out.

Until I realized something. Yes, I couldn't go to yoga and keep going on the path I wanted to this very second. But that doesn't mean I won't continue on that path as soon as I can!

This is why I am upset. It felt like quitting when I knew I shouldn't. But it isn't quitting. It is taking a break for my body.

I wish I could forget the number of times I have quit. Given up. Stopped. When I knew it was GOOD for me?!

Why do I do this? Why oh why oh why?!

I guess the first step is figuring out why I was so mad at me. The second step.... Well I'll talk to my therapist. Thank heavens I see her soon.