Friday, November 21, 2014

Real Life - the Spider Incident

Let's talk real life for a second.

I hate spiders. I might have lived in India, and I might now have a much higher tolerance for sharing my space with bugs. But spiders? Nope. Not gonna fly (ha, see what I did there? Punny! No? Ok. Nevermind.)

So last night, I walk into our tiny little bathroom. And there is a HUGE spider above the mirror. And I'm pretty sure it locks eyes with me. It has me in its sights. And the thing is growing by the nanosecond. By the time I run screaming from the bathroom it has taken on Hobbit proportions.

I am NOT as brave as Bilbo.
Of course, my husband comes to investigate his frightened wife's screams. Only to also retreat to the bedroom where we can both peek at the terrifying, awful thing from around the door, with the safety of a wall between us and IT.

While Stephen watches to make sure the monster does not disappear, I run to the kitchen to find something, anything, to capture it. We didn't just want to kill it. Not because we are against killing spiders (we aren't. At all. Ever. Kill them. All of them.) But because we wanted to see what we were dealing with. I mean, if the thing was a poisonous, procreating, spawn of Satan we would need to spray for spiders.

All I could find was a vase. And not just any vase. The one vase I have left over from my wedding. We decorated tables with these beautiful vases. But it was now all that stood between us and imminent death.

Stephen carefully placed the vase over the spider. And the spider immediately went berserk and started to attack his hand. I, being the brave soul I am, freaked and hid in the bedroom. I'm not proud of my actions. I just want to say that. I am not a brave soul. There is a reason I was born in the 21st century.

So there Stephen is, holding our wedding vase over the spider. Stretched out, practically on tip toe, because the stupid thing was above the mirror. The spider is periodically trying to attack his hand. And this is when he announces that he really has to pee and that I need to come and hold the vase.

Guys, I tried. I gathered my shredded dignity, my non-existent courage and I tried. But instead, I pretty much started crying and screamed, "I can't! Just pee in the sink! I can't!"

Of course, he protested. And I did this little dance where I would come close-ish to the bathroom and then hastily retreat to the safety of the bedroom. And, in the end, in a cowardly act of terror I shut the bathroom door and just yelled, "JUST PEE IN THE SINK!!!!"

And that is what the poor man had to do. Because his faithless wife abandoned him in his time of need.

In the end, after I calmed myself down enough to stop shrieking, I found some cardboard, we took the spider outside and.... threw the whole kit and caboodle over the neighbors fence and did the "Is it on my dance" while booking it back to the house.

Yes, my vase is in the neighbor's backyard. I'm not sure how we are going to explain it to them when we go to retrieve the vase. "Ummm we threw a huge wolf spider in your backyard with our wedding vase. Hope it doesn't get in your house... Mind if we retrieve the vase?"

We are cowards. We are bad neighbors. We pee in the sink. Our shame knows no bounds.

But, the silver lining? While this aggressive, awful, nightmarish spider turns us (me) into sniveling cowards, it is NOT poisonous. According to the internet it is a wolf spider (thus the aggression) and does not "pose a medical concern". That is, if you don't count heart-attacks and abandonment as medical concerns.

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