An Honest Life

Because honesty is the best policy. Because being honest is all we can be if we truly want to live our lives. I must be honest.

Sometimes out of nowhere, the depression monster tries to drag you down to a fiery inferno of helplessness and self-destruction.

Cycles of blame, guilt, shame, sadness and hoplessness hit like crashing waves. And I didn't have a life jacket.

Some might not understand this feeling of dread and crushing sadness. Others might know exactly what I am talking about.

I could sense that something was going to happen. For the past few weeks I have been able to see the storm clouds gathering in the horizon, and the pressure mounting. I tried my best to do what I could to combat them, but sometimes you can't hold back the storm. Friday night it started to get pretty bad. Saturday was worse. But come Sunday the storm broke with greater force than ever before. My husband held me while I cried and cried and cried and cried.

Monday began the process of trying to claw my way out of the darkness. Monday and Tuesday were tearful, awful, long days. My husband was a saint through it all. Bless his heart. Even when I was weapy, mean, critical, totally illogical and crazy he loved me and held me and told me it would be ok.

Wednesday was better. Much better. And even though I started to panic because tomorrow (otherwise known as today) was November, I felt like I could handle it. Like everything would be ok. I'm still fighting. My days aren't fantastic. But I am Ok. I've got this.

Now... I am not writing this for sympathy. I promise I am doing ok. I am taking the steps necessary for me to survive and get better. I write this for everyone else out there who feels alone in their depression. I write this so that you know, each and every one of you, that it is ok. I am not ashamed of who I am and the struggles I face. And you don't need to be either. I will admit that I struggle with depression, and that doesn't mean I can't handle life any less than someone else. It doesn't mean that I am weak. It just means that sometimes I've got some extra challenging days. I have to work extra hard to put a smile on my face.

I don't want anyone else to be ashamed of who you are. Be proud of the trials you have faced. In admitting your own weaknesses you are defining your strengths. Life would not have sunny days without some storms.

I don't want to offer advice on how I deal with my monster because everyone's monster is different. I am beginning to identify harmful behaviors. For instance, trying to drown sadness with food. It ain't gonna work! But that doesn't stop me from trying. Other times I burrow my way into someone else's reality and get lost in endless episodes of some sitcom. Or a book. Anything to escape my own head. And you know what, sometimes when I finally come up for air, I feel better because I was able to take a break from me.

Sometimes we just have to take a break from ourselves.

So, to my friends in the trenches with monsters hidden under your sweaters, glossed over by your smiles and fake "I'm fine's". It is ok. If you need to talk to someone, talk to me. I know how it feels. I have bad days. I have super bad days. But I'm still here. I am still fighting, and I am telling you my story so you know that you are not alone. Ever.

(Linking up with It's Almost Friday Thursday Blog Hop, Black Tag Diaries, First Day Of My Life, Pretty Little Inspirations, Link and Mingle, It's Ok Thursday and Lovely Little Whimsy.)

Thunderstorms

This weekend has been fraught with thunderstorms. I am not a fan. I like lightening, hate the thunder. Seriously, I hate thunder. I am a grown woman who will hide under a blanket with my teddy bear (Alex) and I just... hate it.

Stephen knows this.

Once, when we were dating, there was this Gigantic. Huge. Awful. thunderstorm. It was the worst. Windows were rattling with the wrath of this storm. And my three roommates and I were huddled in the living room, terrified.

Enter, Prince Charming.

He got into his car and drove all the way to my house in the middle of a storm. He came in and curled up with me and held me through the thunder. Told you, Prince Charming.

Well, late Friday night (or early Saturday morning) we had another thunderstorm. It wasn't as bad as the one I just told you about. But it was loud enough to wake me up. After the first roar of loud thunder, my husband immediately held open his arms and pulled me into him. I buried my head in his chest and he held me throughout the storm. With each BANG, he would hold me a little tighter. It was the most reassuring thing in the world.

It was then that I felt like I finally had him home. After all the time that he was gone (almost 9 months) I had to go through thunder alone. And once we were back together in Monterey it was... how do I put this... it was HARD. The military pretty much owned him. He was constantly tired, and not much like himself because he was so busy. But that night I knew that I had my husband back, and that he would be my Prince Charming till the end of time and beyond.

It hasn't been an easy year. September 19, 2011 marked the beginning of my year from H-E-Double-Hell (as my dad likes to say). But, we made it. Finally.

Saturday afternoon Stephen and I headed out to support our soccer team (Go RSL!) The second we set foot inside the Rio Tinto stadium the rain started pouring down. We waited in line to buy horrid looking ponchos (I love the word poncho). As soon as it was finally our turn to actually buy the darn piece of plastic, the rain stopped. Story of my life. We bought them any way though. The clouds looked threatening.

We found our seats, climbed over ten disgruntled and wet people and sat down. Two seconds later there was lightening. And the game was suspended. 5/8ths of the stadium got up and went to stand somewhere dry. Stephen just looked at me and said, "We'll just ride out the storm."

And we did! We stayed, we got wet-ish (Stephen ripped his poncho...) and after waiting for an hour in the rain and lightening and thunder (it wasn't too boring, some very drunk people provided excellent entertainment) we got to watch an awesome game. Those poor people who couldn't handle the rain really missed out!

I walked away from that thinking about the year we had just made it through. The wait was long, the time was truly horrible. But it had it's moments. Visiting Stephen and having the best weekend of my life over presidents day. Our awesome airport moment. Finally being in his arms, even if it was only for a few days.

We waited out the storm, and it was absolutely worth it. It's a nice reminder that even though sometimes life gets dark and you have to hide under the blanket to escape the thunder, waiting at the end is a breath of rain soaked sidewalk. What is better than that?

And if you are lucky enough, like me, someone will come to you in the middle of your storm, open their arms and pull you close to their heart. And you will know that is exactly where you belong.