The Mother of All Mondays

You know how everyone talks about how horrible Mondays are?

I think I just experienced a truly horrific, awful, straight from my worse nightmare Monday.

I promise, I have been trying to approach this with humor all day.

Until I cried at work four times.

Once under my desk (Yes the picture in your head is correct, a grown woman huddled under a large wooden desk trying to weep quietly so her co-workers won't hear) and three times in the bathroom.

It all started by falling asleep after my alarm. I still managed to make my hair look fabulous, but I absolutely picked the wrong pants to go with my "professional" button-up-under-the-sweater combo. I felt like I was twice the size I really am. 

When I got to work (late. Again.) I rushed to do some stuff, and then went to turn on my compter and... nothing. I tried for a good half an hour to turn that stupid, archaic computer on. I unplugged, replugged, checked wires, checked power strips, checked monitors, offered up sacrifices to the computer gods, did a rain dance, banged my head on the keyboard and even tried to bribe the beast. 

All to no avail.

People, if my computer doesn't work a good part of the company just shuts down. It is bad news. I am talking full on panic. So, when I finally approached my boss about this monumental issue it looked like he was about to tear his hair out. 

He asked to look at it. 

He pushed the "on" button. 

The *@$& thing turned on.

And that was just the start.

Imagine those movies where you see the person busy at work with the phone constantly ringing, people lining up with questions, crises happening left and right and no time to eat.  And you have my day, only without the cool background music.

Throw in an email from a professor that made me hyperventilate (you wish I was joking here, I'm not.) And knowing that I had the oral defense of my thesis at 5:00, and you have a nervous wreck who is willing to live under a bridge to escape everybody.

Somehow five o'clock rolled around, well more like 4:30, and I left the office to face the thesis committee. 

As I drove towards the University there was this stunning sunset, and I thought to myself, "No matter how badly or wonderfully this goes, tomorrow there will still be a beautiful sunset. And I can enjoy that and know that everything is ok. Unless it is raining. And then life just sucks."

And it does just suck sometimes, my friends. It can suck in a way that you get to your defense only to have some of the committee not show up. It can suck that you have to reschedule for later in the week, and they ask you to submit one, final draft before then. It can suck in a way that means you aren't finished when you thought you were. 

Life. Can. Suck.

But it can also have incredible sunsets. As long as it is not raining. Or snowing. Or anything else sucky.

A Pouty Me

A very, very sick me. (not crying, just incredibly sick)

A "on my tenth hour of work in one day" me.

I promise that tomorrow will be a better day. Mainly because I am hosting an AWESOME giveaway!!! (Be excited. I would kill to get my hands on what you could win!) Check back tomorrow for a giveaway. And check back later to hear about real life this Christmas season (in case you are getting a little fed up with all the perfect family memories currently being portrayed in many a blog).

(Linking up with: Monday Meet Up, Make It Pretty Monday, Mingle Monday, Hello Monday, Miscellany Monday, )

Not a Scrooge

I have so much to tell you guys! Like, what happened on my birthday/Thanksgiving, our fun little service opportunity on Saturday, my outing with a friend and so much more!

Unfortunately, I am in crazy-woman mode. And it isn't for hormones this time either. The holidays are upon us, and while everyone is celebrating and decorating (I wish I was one of those people... but that ain't gonna happen this year), I am pretty much drowning in work, work, work. Christmas means lots of orders to process, people to talk to, messages to reply too.... And it also means the end of the semester ( SO MUCH HOMEWORK!!!!)

Needless to say, I am wondering if there was any sanity on sale Black Friday and I missed it?

Don't get me wrong, I am excited for the holidays. I love Christmas music, decorations and this is the one time of year I can tolerate snow. I guess I am just fighting hard to stay afloat (I have so much laundry that needs folding, on top of everything else!), and when you are trying to not drown it is hard to get into the holiday spirit.

Don't worry, I will. It probably won't happen until December 18th (the day after the semester ends). But that is better than nothing!

I feel almost Scrooge-ish with all these blogs/pictures/tweets about Christmas trees and how much everyone loves this time of year. I envy the happy faces around the bright Christmas tree, the hot chocolate being shared and stories being read. I was getting depressed at my own lack of joy, when I realized that most of these people are in a completely different stage in life. I'm sure when I have little ones I will be working overtime to make sure they have happy memories of Christmas time. So it is ok that right not I am working overtime to stay on top of work and school. After all, this part of life isn't going to last long. Right?! (Everyone agree with me, or I might cry.)

So I am saying, "Hello!" to a ton of work, a lot of motivation, a little sleep and a lot of hope, faith, sweat and tears that I'll make it through this in one piece. The rest of you, enjoy your holiday happiness! I'll join you in a few weeks.




(Linking up with: Monday Meet Up, Make It Pretty Monday, Mingle Monday, Hello Monday)

Extremely Productive... At Unimportant Things

I've been pondering on the wonderful, frustrating and time consuming phenomena that is procrastination. I am a master at it. And I have been trying to figure out why in the name of purple turnips I would EVER make my life harder... on purpose.

You heard me. Procrastination is adding drama and craziness and stress to my life. And I do it on purpose.

I never thought of myself as a "Drama Queen" (ok, don't ask my husband about this... with him I am most definitely overly dramatic. And sometimes when I am hungry I often say something like, "I'm about to DIE of STARVATION!" Alright, so maybe I am a little dramatic. But not in the I-cause-fights-for-fun-way. But in the I-like-to-use-a-lot-of-superlatives-and-proclaim-that-I-am-about-to-die-of-trivial-things kind of way.... If that makes any sense at all... Moving on!) but in procrastinating I am most definitely causing drama.

The problem is... procrastinating is just so fun! I mean, I can watch mindless, hilarious, endless episodes of Friends, Scrubs, How I Met Your Mother... I can surf the web, read blogs, stalk people on Facebook or watch adorable kitten youtube videos after adorable kitten video. The list goes on. None are productive or important or productive (yes, productivity is important enough to mention twice). They don't write my papers, fold the laundry, work out or anything.

But man are they fun! And, we all need time to let our hair down and enjoy life. So I am not saying they are bad. They are only bad when I am doing those things instead of doing homework, housework or just work-work.

Why do I procrastinate? Well... sometimes I just don't want to do the work. It is either boring or overwhelming or just... blah (I think it is mainly just overwhelming). So I don't wanna! And later on, when the procrastinating catches up I can feel all important because I am busy and stressed. Isn't that how most of us feel important? When we have a plate overflowing with things to do, not enough time and we can tell our friends, "I just have so much to do!" "I am so stressed out about it." "My to do list is endless."

It's like... being a productive adult has to be stressful and chaotic.

Who made that rule?! I want to know. Because I don't like it.

So, with all this pondering, I have started to understand how much simpler my life would be if I could just... do my stuff when I should and not procrastinate.

I would like to redefine "Adult" for myself as someone who is in control enough of themselves and their life to do the work when it needs to be done, has the power and knowledge of when to say "No" to things that they do not need/want to do, who doesn't overwhelm themselves in an effort to feel "important", and someone who knows how to slow down and enjoy this wonderful journey.

That sounds like a good kind of "Adult". If I can be that kind of adult, I think I'll stop wishing I was 5 years old again. (That was a good time...)

(linking up with: Tell me Tuesday, Loving Lately, Flock Together, GFC, Fact Is, Tell Me About It Tuesday)

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Master of My Peace

So, do you remember how I said that I almost beat my depression and eating disorder? Well, it is an almost.

I didn't post yesterday because depression reared it's ugly head and we had a battle. All. Day. Long. It was ugly. I came out on top. I really did. But it wasn't fun. Don't worry, I'm good. I don't write this to get sympathy. I write this to be honest.

Guys, depression sucks. Having an eating disorder blows.The worse part is, neither of them make sense! Ask anyone with depression and they can tell you, "I know this isn't logical. I know I should be able to just choose to be happy. But I can't. Trust me, I would if I could." At least that is how I feel.

I know that it doesn't make sense to want to crawl under my desk and bawl my eyes out. It just doesn't. It doesn't make sense to starve myself, just to end up binging later. I get it. It isn't logical. And when you are trying to help someone who suffers from either monster, please recognize that. We know it doesn't make sense. But we can't help how we feel. What we need is love, acceptance and understanding.

I spent all day yesterday telling myself how ridiculous it all was. But the truth was, I was sad, listless and wanted nothing more than to crawl in bed and sleep. All day. For the rest of my life. Just sleep.

I know I've been tired lately. And the more tired I get the easier the depression monster has in getting out of his cage. And I know I've been stressed to the max lately. (It is getting out of hand.) And that makes depression even harder to fight. And after my day yesterday I realized that I need to make some changes.

I don't want to spend every day frantic and stressed and tired. That is no way to live a life. Even if you are in your last semester ever. I want my husband to have a happy wife. I want to be a happy person. I need to do some stress management. I realized that I need to approach this all differently.

School is not life or death. I need to get it done. I want to do my best. But I won't let it steal my joy. I won't let it steal my peace. I will find a way to make this happen without stressing to the moon and back.

I've been really frustrated because I had to stop running. I got some nasty shinsplints from pushing to hard and I have been out of the game for a week. It's killing me. I need something to relieve stress, and running was my "breathing" time. So instead, I am doing yoga. Tonight. I can't wait. That is a step in the right direction!

This week Matthew 9:13 "And if the house be worthy, let your peace come upon it: but if it be not worthy, let your peace return to you."  Really sparked something for me. I have a choice. I can choose to let my peace go. I can decide if it is worthy, or worth it, to let my peace of mind and body be a part of anything. I choose whether or not I let something steal my peace!

Isn't it wonderful learning that you have some control. Sure I have a boatload of stuff to get done. Sure depression and an eating disorder try to slow me down. But I can choose how I am going to approach each problem. I've got this.

My peace is my own. I won't give it up! So now I have to learn how to do some stress management. I have to learn how to be the master of my own peace, and have the strength to let God into my heart and life because that is where true peace lies. Always.

So, what are your suggestions? What do you do when you need to take back your peace?

(Linking up with Loved and Lovely *Thankful Thursdays* It's Almost Friday Thursday Blog Hop, Black Tag Diaries, First Day Of My Life, Kate Says Stuff, Pretty Little Inspirations Blog Hop and Lovely Little Whimsy.)