On Fire

I woke up angry this morning. Like, raging, watch-out-world angry. At least, angry is what I thought I was at first. I don't know if I can necessarily call it angry for long, because it wasn't really "anger" in the sense that I am used too. I usually get angry when some injustice happens, when someone crosses a boundary, or I see someone I love hurt. This was different. 

This was an alarm going off in my brain. A loud, shrieking siren with flashing lights. It was a "Wake up!" feeling. One that said, "FEEL ALL THE FEELINGS." It was a shadow chasing, light shedding, alert. My body has had enough.

What I am about to say may put me in jeopardy of some judgement. See, I never get zits. Even as a hormone fueled teenager, I would have (at most) two zits in a month. I currently have more zits on my face than I usually get in an entire year. (6 zits, to be exact. SIX! With one bright red, volcanic little number that is trying to take root as my third eye.)

So, lets just add up everything that my body has finally said, "ENOUGH!" And is calling me to action about. (this sentence is driving me nuts, but I can't think of a way to fix it. So I am leaving it the way it is. Though it may drive me to the looney bin.)

My hair is falling out. In handfuls. I am shedding more hair than a pack of poorly groomed golden retrievers. (I so wish I was joking here, but I'm not.) I have to sweep and vacuum multiple times a week if we don't want to be wading through mountains of hair. Gross, I know. Sorry for the mental image.

I'm exhausted. Getting out of bed after 8 hours of sleep is one of those monumental tasks akin to spouting off the Gettysburg address, after being spun around a hundred times with a mouth full of marbles. While being attacked by a bunch of needy, claw-happy kittens. And that exhausted feeling follows me around all day.

The aforementioned zits.

I lost almost 15 lbs while in India. And in less than 6 weeks gained it all back again. Part of this is due to being malnourished in India (apparently you can't be sick 4 times a week, never eat fresh fruits or veggies and live off of snickers as your primary source of nutrition and be healthy at the same time). Once I returned from this little adventure, my body went "AHHHHHHHHH" and immediately started storing everything it needed for the next season of famine. Poor body doesn't know that short of being shot, returning to a place such as India and living there for any amount of time just isn't gonna happen.

I've gone to my doctor and had some blood work down (still waiting on results), but what I really know? Things gotta change. Eating habits, workout habits, sleeping habits. Mainly all my habits. Which, if you think about it, isn't entirely comfortable. Change is hard. And my relationship with food and exercise is complicated. But it is something I'm going to get over. Starting... now. Because my health is more important than just about anything (Except for Ross and Rachel, I mean, come on. Priorities people.) 

So what does this look like? I'm not sure entirely. I know for sure that is means all processed foods and sugar are a no-go. Starting..... NOW. (That ellipsis was me eating the only food in my office. A bagel. Cause I hadn't eaten anything for breakfast. So we can start now.) Yoga errrrrrry day. Cause, well, duh. Its yoga. And I shall take up running like I always said I wanted too. 

How all of this is going to play out, I'm not quite sure. I mean, I'm not going to be crazy about this. But what I am thinking is no processed foods/sugar until my birthday. That is only a few weeks away and totally doable. And then I can eat what I want on my birthday, and then go back to being prudent until Thanksgiving. Where I shall eat all the pie, because I've been looking forward to that pie since last Thanksgiving. Guys, I love pie. I'm not giving it up. You can't make me. 

So, that's the plan Stan. Feel free to offer all the words of advice/comfort/commiserating that you wish. Encouragement is always nice, so if you have any extra of that please pass it along.

Sometimes...

Sometimes... being brave means doing something a lot of people will not understand. It means stepping into the dark and not knowing what is going to greet you. It means quitting a job with nothing lined up, for the sake of your personal happiness.

Sometimes... You realize that what you've been doing for the last 7 years isn't going to work any more. And if that means leaving jobs you are now over qualified for and heading to an industry you swore you would never work in... so be it. Sometimes... things change. And since working behind a desk seems to be slowly killing me, I'll find a job that doesn't. Whatever that is...

Sometimes... You find what it is you REALLY want to do with your life, but things are quite lined up to make it happen right now. So you start to practice patience. Lots and lots of patience.

Sometimes... Life gets crazy, crazy busy and you don't post on your blog every often. Which is fine.

Sometimes... You push out of your comfort zone to find a whole new world of possibilities.


Sometimes your husband just loves you...

This week my sweet husband went to the grocery store for me. I had a massive headache, a lesson to prepare and a paper to write. He took grocery shopping off my hands and went off to buy some bread and milk and protein shakes.

He came home with a new Kindle Paperwhite FOR ME!!!

I made a huge *GASP* inhale noise, and about died. No seriously, I was choking pretty badly. And squeaking horribly. It was a mix between a chipmunk being stabbed repeatedly and an old man with emphysema. My husband just stood there and laughed at me.


I am SO excited to play with my new toy!!! (I am pretty much addicted to reading... so... yeah. Best gift EVER. And he surprised me with my very first Kindle when we were first married. This man knows me. He loves me. And he shows me he loves me!)

(linking up with the Friendly Friday Blog Hop,  Friday Favorite Things, That Friday Blog Hop, and Friendly Friday)

The Salmon-to Kitten Analogy

Holy moly guacamole!

Guys, last night something happened and I felt like my entire life flipped around. It was almost like thinking that all this time I had been a salmon. But then someone tapped me on my tail and said, "I'm sorry Jeannie. You are not a salmon. You are whatever you want to be."

And, since I've always thought fish were freaky and ugly creatures, I immediately turned into this kitten:

adorable, right?

Makes sense? No? What?! You didn't follow my salmon-to-kitten analogy?

Ok, I shall try again.

Yesterday was a day. Not in the good way. To try and get rid of some incredibly annoying and painful, constant migraines, my doctor has me on a run of meds. These meds turn me into a freaky, emotional, cranky version of myself. And yesterday, all day, everyone seemed convinced that it was their personal mission to chip away at my patience and positivity. All day. Everyone. Co-workers, customers, random people driving cars, my husband (he is a saint. Seriously. The things I said and did yesterday... I should have been locked away. But instead, he cuddled me. Cause he is that amazing) and myself.

I was ready to strangle myself because I kept saying awful things, but I couldn't stop myself!

However, I digress.

The crowning glory of horribleness to this awful day was how I felt about my body. I didn't feel beautiful. I felt fat. I felt awful. And my Doctor had told me how much I weighed (before I could tell her not too) and that had me spinning in the completely wrong direction. I was on the verge of a binge-eating frenzy. (cause, you know, that totally makes sense. You feel incredibly fat, so you just stuff yourself until you want to cry and then not eat for a week. Good one Jeannie.)

But then, my husband pointed me to this news article (cause he thought I would enjoy it) which then led me to this website which then completely changed my life and the way I view myself (this is the part where I turned into an amazing, adorable kitten). These twin sisters, Lindsay and Lexie Kite, are trying to literally redefine beauty. And boy are they doing an amazing job.

After reading a bunch of their articles about how women are trained from birth to view themselves and their bodies by the media, something hit me. I am the only Jeannie. I have the only Jeannie body. So who in the name of trufala trees can tell me how my body is supposed to look?

I have been believing ALL of these messages from the media, from men who have been duped by the media. I have been taught that my appearance actually is a measuring stick of my worth. I was actually told that if I was fat, no one would like me, and that they were only telling me this to protect me from future pain. (of course, the pain inflicted was much worse than anything else that could have happened). How wrong were they?!

We need to realize that "we are capable of more than being looked at." Our power lies within us. As we become more educated, empowered and self-assured that we are worth everything no matter what we look like then we have won a battle. We do not need to be a certain size, weigh a certain amount or look a certain way to have power. Beauty isn't skin deep. It starts from within. It begins in the depths of the softest part of our soul, and it radiates outward. When you feel empowered and intelligent and happy, you take care of your body.

Healthy is happy. Healthy is beautiful. Healthy starts from the inside and works its way out. And healthy looks different for everyone.

I will no longer be listening to the media. I will not be objectified. I will not let someone else's idea of perfection shape what I believe I should be. I have gifts and talents and life and laughter that only I can contribute to this world. And that is beautiful.

Are you ready to join me on this journey? Over the next while I will be sharing my experience and the steps I am taking to change my perception of beauty. I will be critically analyzing all of the media images and messages I run into. I will be changing my life. And I want you to join in. Start now, and let's redefine beauty.

(Linking this to Tuesday Facts by Nicholl)

Roots

I have hair ADD. Seriously, I can't keep it the same way for very long... UNLESS it is long. In which case, I usually leave it alone.

It hasn't been long for a while *sniffles* I wish it was...

So I was a little taken aback the other night when my husband requested that the next time I dye my hair, I dye it as close to my natural hair color as possible.

*Insert deer in the headlights look*

He asked me again, "You should dye your hair to your natural hair color."

Silence.

"Babe?"

"Umm.... What if I'm not sure what that looks like?"

"Just dye it to your roots!"

"Ummmmmmm..... Ok."

Yeah. No clue. Yes, my hair definitely needs to be dyed again. Pretty bad. And I definitely have roots. I am just not entirely sure what color they are. (Don't judge!)

So... Now I am just trying to figure out what exactly I should be dying my hair so it is as close to natural as possible....

I'm not the only one who has this problem, right? Please tell me someone else out there isn't entirely sure what their natural hair color looks like!

Anyone? Anyone? Buhler?

Please?

Want to know what I mean about changing my hair often?

Take a look:

Summer 2008

Fall 2008

Spring 2009

Winter 2009

Spring 2010

Early Fall 2010

Summer 2010

Late Fall 2010

Spring 2011

Summer 2011

Fall 2011

Spring 2012

Current Hair Style

But nothing tops THIS hairstyle. Nothing.

So that's where we're at. Strangely enough, that awesome picture right there (With the incredibly sophisticated three pony-tails) is probably pretty close to natural... Hmmm....