Meditation Monday, Tadasana and how this is all going to work!

So I have a new little thing planned for you. I have a bunch of yoga poses and a sequence that I will break down for you. It won't be perfect because I am not perfect and I am still learning a lot. To see the new pose each day you can visit my Instagram page. I'll have a more complete breakdown and pose instructions on the blog every day as well. Every Monday will be a guided meditationas well.

To start everything up I will be breaking down sun salutations, or surya namaskar. Sun salutations serve to warm up the body and calm the mind to get your yoga practice started. They are the foundation that the rest of the practice is built on. The very most basic and most important of the poses is Tadasana or mountain pose. 

It looks like this: 

Seems simple enough, right? Toes together, heels slightly apart. Spread your toes and distribute the weight evenly throughout your feet. Ground through your feet. Which is a fancy yoga way of saying take a moment and feel the earth under your toes. Feel tall because you are growing roots. I know it sounds funny, but give it a try. Activate all the muscles in your legs. Pull your knee caps up and rotate your thighs away from each other. Tap into your core, take a deep breath and feel taller. Feel your shoulders relax down your back and the crown of your head reaching towards the sky. Spread your fingers wide and reach a little down. Imagine energy running down your arms and feet. Breathe in and feel your rib cage expand. Breathe out and knit your rib cage together. Take five deep breathes. 

You should feel grounded and energized and maybe you feel like moving some more! Check back tomorrow for the next pose.

And now for some Meditation Monday. Every Monday will be a new meditation. Just 5 minutes of meditation every day can make a huge difference in your life. It helps decrease stress, anxiety and tense muscles. It allows you to have that quiet moment that we all need to recharge.

Meditation can be whatever you need it to be. I know some who like to sit at the kitchen table, hot tea in hand, and meditate in a comfortable chair. Others enjoy sitting on a couch or against a wall. I prefer to sit on my mat. I dedicated my yoga mat to be a place of safety and calm and no judgement. I've worked hard to leave everything else behind the moment I step on to that mat. So it is my favorite place to meditate.

However you want, sit comfortable. Feel tall, crown of the head pulling towards the ceiling, Shoulders down your back. I like to start each meditation by taking a deep breath in and holding it for a second, gathering all the busyness in my mind. And then on the exhale I let it all go. Let my mind be wiped clean, if only for a second. Breathing like this can be meditation enough.


Today's meditation is focusing on Acceptance. You can focus on this concept however you like. I listened to Deepak Chopra's guided meditation on Acceptance. (I highly recommend downloading his Soul of Healing Affirmations cd. You can get it on iTunes and it is everything.) The guided meditation was just over 2 minutes long. Here is one similar that is wonderful.

Another option is to focus on your breathing for a few moments, and then imagine a small circle around you. With each inhale accept everything in that circle, just as it is. Your body, mind, soul. Everything about you. Focus on that acceptance. Exhale acceptance and love, inhale acceptance. As you start to feel at peace with everything in that circle, start to feel the circle expand. Maybe it expands to the room you are in, maybe it is your house, maybe you start to include people. Perhaps you place your job, health or a relationship in the circle. Focus on accepting it, just as it is. No change necessary. It is what it is, and that is ok. Spend five, ten, twenty minutes just breathing and feeling accepted and loved by yourself.

Don't expect much or get frustrated if you can't quiet your mind. This is a practice. No meditation is a bad meditation. Simply taking the time to try is wonderful. Appreciate the effort you put in to showing up for yourself today. And accept yourself, just as you are.

Infertility

I decided that sometimes its better to just write it out. You know, instead of letting all the frustration and anger swirl up inside. Sometimes it helps to just word vomit until there is nothing left. Or at least until the storm feels less like a raging hurricane and more like a manageable thunderstorm.

Here's the thing: I'm one of those women. One of the women I looked at and prayed for. One that I empathized with, imagining her pain. Well I know the pain. I know the frustration. I know the hurt and irritation. I know the gut wrenching, heartbreaking cycle of being let down month after month.

I struggle with infertility. I am one of many, and yet I still feel alone.

Struggling to conceive was always something I feared. I'm not sure why. I come for a prolific family. I'm the oldest of 8 kids. Both of my parents come from big families. All of my aunts and uncles have plethoras of childrens. Sometimes I wonder if my own worry caused the problem. If somehow I jinxed myself. And then I remember that I don't really believe in jinxing (unless I'm going to get a free soda out of it).

Oddly enough, I don't really feel like my body has failed me. I know many other women have felt that way. But it isn't something I've thought. It is more that I have failed my body. That I must have not paid enough attention, or taken care of myself so that my body could function the way it is supposed too. I have struggled with eating disorders. Maybe I brought this on myself?

I try not to think this way. I try to remember that I can't control everything. That I am unable to change the past and can only love and accept who I was then and who I am now. Most days I can do that. Some days I can't.

PCOS isn't uncommon. Not at all. Many women suffer from it. And there are treatments that can help. And maybe I'm just a big old wimp. But taking the medication that I need too to help us conceive is brutal. I feel sick and tired and grumpy 90% of the time. And right now, that is the most frustrating part of all.

I'm constantly on the verge of vomiting. I'm tired. So very tired. And I spend the majority of my time feeling like my entrails are trying to become my extrails. It is unpleasant. And sometimes unbearable.

Maybe it would be different if I KNEW, much like I know my mom loves me and the sun will rise tomorrow, that all of this would give us a baby in the end.

I don't know that. And sometimes it feels like needless suffering.

Between the constant nausea and my bewilderment that this is my life, sometimes I feel dizzy. I turn 25 this year. I expected to be a stay at home mommy with a chubby baby and a small zoo. I'm working on the small zoo. I'm also working on a career I never thought I would have. And I'm discovering things about myself. I'm learning what I really do want to do outside of the home. (Teach. Yoga.) And I am loving what I get to learn and do.

But more than that, I want the chubby baby. Or a skinny baby. Just any baby really. I want the nausea to be from a bun in the oven. I want the stretch marks and baby weight. I want the sleepless nights and mountains of dirty laundry. I want it all.

And so I pray and hope and love and hurt. Every day. I love on my new furbaby and my old furbaby. I buy puppy clothes instead of baby clothes. I look for ways to start building up the life I have, instead of pining over the life I want. I surround myself with the best of friends and family for support. And I stop wallowing. That is what I need to do right now. Pick myself up and stop wallowing.

I know I'm not the only one who has walked this path or will walk this path. And so, to my sisters in infertility, I say let us hold hands and walk together. Or at least sit on each other's couches and eat ice cream. A girl can only do so much.

Coming Home - A Christmas Memory

This is a post I wrote several years ago when I got to see my husband for the first time in months due to his service in the military. It was Christmas time and I was missing him so much. I thought I would share it again with everyone because it my favorite Christmas memory. Very rarely does life give you a movie-perfect moment, and I never want to forget this one.

I was waiting for Stephen at the airport. And I thought I would pass out before he actually got here. I was bouncing around, trying really hard to hold still, and failing miserably. The airport was crowded with a bunch of people with signs for LDS missionaries coming home, long lines of people waiting to get through security and people pouring out of the exit and into the baggage claim. They all smiled at me indulgently, probably thinking I was waiting for a missionary.

I saw Stephen coming around the corner from his reflection in the glass and I promised myself that I would hold still.

I lied to myself.

As soon as he got out from that long hallway I found myself running towards him and throwing myself in his arms. The whole airport burst into cheers. People in the security line were jumping up and down, random people took pictures. It sounded like we had just won a big football game. Everyone was yelling, clapping and cheering like crazy. And it went on for a while. I was crying, with my head buried in his uniform and arms wrapped firmly around his neck. He maneuvered us to the back of the crowd, carrying me and two large back packs. I was too overwhelmed with happiness to be of much help. We just held each other for a minute, and I cried some more, and then made our way to the escalator.

As we went up, people below saw us and again started cheering.

It was awesome.

And I think that for the first time ever, the outside world sounded exactly like how I was feeling inside.

Sub for Santa

I was raised in a family that taught me how important giving is, especially in the Christmas season. Even when we didn't have a whole lot, my parents made sure that we took care of others. I have always appreciated what my parents did for me, and I want this tradition to carry on to my family.

During the Holidays it is so easy to get swept up by crazy to-do lists and party schedules. I know that last night I skipped the gym to go shopping. Last year I signed my family through United Way to help a family out. With the help of family and friends, my husband and I were able to help a struggling young mother have everything her family needed. On Christmas Eve, I took my siblings to drop off gifts. They loved playing Santa's elves and wrapping gifts for someone else!

This year I wasn't sure if I would sign up again. We have a lot on our plate what with school and paying off medical bills for Stephen's knee surgery. But my sweet, angel of a little sister told me that her favorite part of last year was dropping off the gifts for that family in need. She said she wanted to do it again this year. So I signed up!

This year we have the opportunity to help a family of four have a good Christmas. The dad has a chronic illness and lost his job because he couldn't work back in September. The mom is trying to make ends meet and is currently working nights. They have a 14 year old boy who loves soccer, Ripley's Believe It Or Not, and adventure books And a 9.5 year old little girl who loves to skateboard, watch movies and read adventure books. After speaking with the mother, I found out what these kids really need this year (as well as want!)

Unfortunately, we can't do it alone. If you are looking to help a family out or give this season, maybe consider getting something off this list:

If you have any hand-me-downs in the following sizes, please let me know!
Boy:
Shoes - Mens 10
Shirt - 16-18 boys
Pants - 18 boys slim
Favorite Color: Red, black

Girl:
Shoes - Girl's 4
Shirt - size 8
Pants - size 8
Favorite colors: yellow, light blue, purple

There is also an incredible, wonderful, heart warming project going on over at the bloggess! Some wonderful people there have already started to help us make this Christmas a great one for this family in need. You can always peruse the needed items there and fulfill a wish there as well!

If you feel so inclined to give, but can't give much you can always send a $5 amazon gift card to me at ames.jeannie at gmail dot com and I PROMISE to use it ONLY for this family (scouts honor, cross my heart, pinkie swear.)

I am sooooo grateful to the many people who helped make my birthday so wonderful by donating to the Center for Women and Children in Crisis. I feel like I am always asking for help with these things, and you guys always step up. Thank you sooooooo much for support, love, good wishes, good vibes and everything else you all do for me and others Every. Single. Day.

Love to you all this Christmas Season!

Observation and Confessions

I always feel like the best thing we can do for ourselves is be honest. Somethings we really don't want to tell the world. In fact, many wouldn't ever tell you that I swept for the first since returning home from India. Yes that was over three months ago. (Sorry Mom. I know you raised me better... I do.). But that is the truth y'all. I swept AND mopped for the first time in 3 months this past week. It felt good. And now, everyone can feel better about themselves. You're welcome.

This is what my mother is doing right now. 

I just had to add this one. Because: Penguins.

But this isn't really what I want to talk about. I just wanted to break the ice. Show you how very human I am. What I wanted to talk about was my current journey. We are all on one. Most days I feel like mine is a journey between the loony bin and my bed (I love my bed.) But really, I am just trying to live my best life.

I've talked about how food and I have a long and complicated relationship. Our relationship is more drama filled than most soap operas. And I've really had this weird bungee jumper like attitude about food. I just stand on the precipice with my heart in my throat, and curse words running on a loop in my head trying to figure out how to jump. How do I take the plunge and just leave all the garbage behind?! And then I get so confused and scared that I ignore it. Take off my helmet, sit down a good five feet from the edge and indulge in a bag of marshmallows.

I decided that enough was enough. That I wasn't going to try and change anything, but simply observe. I read that the most effective health and weight-loss tool ever is a food journal. I decided I wanted to take my food journal to the next step. So, I am recording when I eat, what I eat, why I ate and how I felt before and/or after I ate (both emotionally and physically.)

There is no judgement involved. Last night, when feeling and recognizing all these emotions involved with food felt raw and open and overwhelming, I self-sabotaged. I didn't go to the gym like planned. I ate marshmallows and potato chips and pie. (Curse you delicious pie!). But I didn't judge. I just wrote it all out. How I felt when I went scrounging for junk food. How I felt afterwards.

And this morning, when I had oatmeal for breakfast and an orange and hot tea for a snack I wrote down those emotions too. When I am just observing there is no way to "fall off the bandwagon." I'm actually sitting comfortably in my bean bag watching all the bandwagons file by.

I don't have a lot of conclusions quite yet. I am noticing that I feel "good" or "bad" when I eat certain foods. I felt like I was "being good" when I had an orange as a snack. I felt like I was "being bad" or "breaking the rules" when I ate marshmallows. And this is something I want to break I don't want anything like my self-worth or ability to "be good" attached to food. I am both good and bad. I am human. I am imperfect and messy and trying my hardest. Food is just that: food.

For the first time I am not trying to change my eating habits to "be good". I am trying to give myself grace and love and the ability to process my emotions. I think that as I find and work through all the negativity that surrounds food that my eating habits will correct themselves.

I am sharing this because I know I'm not the only one who struggles. I know I'm not the only one looking for a way out of the food guilt and frustration. Keeping this food journal is actually easy. I have a little book and pen with me all the time. I use one word if possible to describe my emotions. So it looks something like this:

When - 10:30 am
What - hot tea
Why - feeling cold and low
Felt - warm, like I was "being good"

See, short and sweet and to the point. Some are even shorter than that! Sometimes I eat because I'm simply hungry. And after I eat I feel: full. No emotions were involved. Other times, I've ended up with a paragraph trying to figure out why I ate what I did in the first place. But it rarely takes longer than 1 minute. The most it has taken is 5 minutes.

I don't know how long I will keep this up. I don't know what the true and lasting repercussions are. I just know that I am giving myself permission to just be. And I'll sit back and observe. And maybe at the end of all this I will have let go of a lot of unneeded stuff.

Anyone is welcome to join me! Its easy. And you can keep it to yourself. On top of simply observing my eating habits I have one health goal, and only one, and that is to run 2 full miles without stopping by Christmas. Cause I want too, dagnabit! I've done it before and I shall do it again!

So tell me, what goals do you have for yourself? Does a food journal sounds like something that could be helpful to you?  I want to hear what you have to say!

A Herd of Cats

Anyone who has just two wolves is pretty lucky. I have found that I exist with a herd of cats living inside of me. A whole bunch of cats, each trying to be the "alpha" cat. Each frolicking and trying to out purr the other. Life is difficult with a whole bunch of cats chasing lasers inside of you.

Meet Lucy. She is wise.

One cat, let's call her Lucy, she is a conscientious little one. She wants us to eat organic, and be a dedicated yogi. She likes to look at new recipes of green smoothies that have odd ingredients like kelp, chia seeds, hemp and who knows what else. She likes the idea of eating paleo, or carb free or whole grains. She believes in meditation and doing sun salutations to work through emotions.


And then there is another little kitty, Susie. She is a hellian. She loves marshmallows and Cheetos. Working out is hard work, and therefore should be avoided. She really likes netflix. And lounging in the sun. Sleeping is the number one priority. Followed, of course, by eating the delicious and easy things in life.

I hope Helen has a cat-stache

Now, these two sweet felines sure like to tustle and fight and make me crazy. Let's be honest, Susie usually wins because hers is the path of least resistance. And it has the cheetos. I don't know if you know this, but (for me) cheetos trumps chia seeds. But, like I said, I live with a herd of cats. I'm hoping that within the tumbling fur balls and emotions there is one that promotes moderation. I hope her name is something sensible but quirky. Like Helen. You don't meet many Helens these days.

Truth is, I've always struggled with the concept of being moderate. I've been an all or nothing gal since I first made up my mind. Honestly, that isn't a horrible thing to be. It has its advantages. I dig in and I don't give up when I make up my mind. Its how I navigated college at fifteen. But finding middle ground is something I struggle with. Something I'm not comfortable doing. Some find that they can easily make "healthy choices" and allow a few "unhealthy" things to slip in now and again. Those "unhealthy" things don't ruin their diet, their exercise plan or their desire to be healthy. It isn't the end of the world or an era or anything. It was simply a choice.

To walk the path of moderation is a mystery to me. It just doesn't make a whole lotta sense. In my black and white brain, you're IN or you're OUT. Being healthy isn't one of those lovely sloping pools where you can splash around in the shallows - half in and half out. Slowly making your way deeper if that is your desire. Sun bathing in the shallows with a veggie platter and a slushie. Its an Olympic sized diving pool, and its sink or swim.

Progress might be in my future. At least that is what I'm hoping. I mean, the first step to change is seeing that change must be had. And the second step is the desire to make the change. Granted, sometimes this is both the easiest and hardest part. But still. I'm on my way. I read this article last night and I think this might be the path for me. Who knows? It is a starting point.

What I DO know is that it is important to accept yourself. All of you. Every individual cat in the herd of cats. It frees you from all kinds of unhealthy emotions. So, here is to Lucy, Susie and (hopefully) Helen, To the impulsive and lazy parts of me. The passionate and peace-loving frolicking felines that all make up who I am.

Real Life - the Spider Incident

Let's talk real life for a second.

I hate spiders. I might have lived in India, and I might now have a much higher tolerance for sharing my space with bugs. But spiders? Nope. Not gonna fly (ha, see what I did there? Punny! No? Ok. Nevermind.)

So last night, I walk into our tiny little bathroom. And there is a HUGE spider above the mirror. And I'm pretty sure it locks eyes with me. It has me in its sights. And the thing is growing by the nanosecond. By the time I run screaming from the bathroom it has taken on Hobbit proportions.

I am NOT as brave as Bilbo.

Of course, my husband comes to investigate his frightened wife's screams. Only to also retreat to the bedroom where we can both peek at the terrifying, awful thing from around the door, with the safety of a wall between us and IT.

While Stephen watches to make sure the monster does not disappear, I run to the kitchen to find something, anything, to capture it. We didn't just want to kill it. Not because we are against killing spiders (we aren't. At all. Ever. Kill them. All of them.) But because we wanted to see what we were dealing with. I mean, if the thing was a poisonous, procreating, spawn of Satan we would need to spray for spiders.

All I could find was a vase. And not just any vase. The one vase I have left over from my wedding. We decorated tables with these beautiful vases. But it was now all that stood between us and imminent death.

Stephen carefully placed the vase over the spider. And the spider immediately went berserk and started to attack his hand. I, being the brave soul I am, freaked and hid in the bedroom. I'm not proud of my actions. I just want to say that. I am not a brave soul. There is a reason I was born in the 21st century.

So there Stephen is, holding our wedding vase over the spider. Stretched out, practically on tip toe, because the stupid thing was above the mirror. The spider is periodically trying to attack his hand. And this is when he announces that he really has to pee and that I need to come and hold the vase.

Guys, I tried. I gathered my shredded dignity, my non-existent courage and I tried. But instead, I pretty much started crying and screamed, "I can't! Just pee in the sink! I can't!"

Of course, he protested. And I did this little dance where I would come close-ish to the bathroom and then hastily retreat to the safety of the bedroom. And, in the end, in a cowardly act of terror I shut the bathroom door and just yelled, "JUST PEE IN THE SINK!!!!"

And that is what the poor man had to do. Because his faithless wife abandoned him in his time of need.

In the end, after I calmed myself down enough to stop shrieking, I found some cardboard, we took the spider outside and.... threw the whole kit and caboodle over the neighbors fence and did the "Is it on my dance" while booking it back to the house.

Yes, my vase is in the neighbor's backyard. I'm not sure how we are going to explain it to them when we go to retrieve the vase. "Ummm we threw a huge wolf spider in your backyard with our wedding vase. Hope it doesn't get in your house... Mind if we retrieve the vase?"

We are cowards. We are bad neighbors. We pee in the sink. Our shame knows no bounds.

But, the silver lining? While this aggressive, awful, nightmarish spider turns us (me) into sniveling cowards, it is NOT poisonous. According to the internet it is a wolf spider (thus the aggression) and does not "pose a medical concern". That is, if you don't count heart-attacks and abandonment as medical concerns.